Good Bye Blogger

To those of you who followed my blog I apologize for the long break, I needed the chance to just concentrate on my health and not feeling like a sick person all the time.  In this intervening time I’ve had a pacemaker put in, I’ve also undergone the lariat procedure as well and as a result my medications have change,,,. I feel like the old me only aged somewhat.  While waiting for the bus the other day (yup took the plunge and got rid of the car) I was thinking while waiting about getting to the bank, how far and how long.  Realized that I didn’t have to follow the bus route, that I could cut cross country and walk in the shade most of the way.  And did just that to my amazement, set a dead reckoning position course and four block’s later I came out in an alley-way just across from my bank in about the same time I would have to wait for the buses to get me there, plus I got all that exercise and fresh air on the way.

Anyway want to announce the new blog at WordPress ( Here).  I don’t want to go though Google anymore with there content warning.  I don’t shoot pornography I shoot art with a purpose, I want you to know my girls and to feel for them, wonder what they may be thinking.  You may intersperse models for girls as they are young women with hopes and dreams of there own.  I feel very protective of them and of their privacy and will do anything to give themselves and me the chance to explore.  All models are over eighteen (18) and have signed a model release.  Though my preference is for older, twenty-four (24) and above I will very cautiously shoot younger, but I prefer thirty (30ish) to have some experience and knowledge about life and how it works. Photos and the blog last forever so choose wisely then be proud of the work you’ve produced. 

    Had a model over for a shoot the other day and it couldn’t have started out worse.  On her way over her car started acting up and she had to take it in to get looked at.  She asked if I’d like to pick her up, told her to deal with her car first then we’d see.  She finally called back and said she got a loaner and would be right over sounding  very stressed.  To make a long story short she came over just as stressed as I heard over the phone.  My plans for a very lovely shoot had run in to the reality of her day and there was nothing for me to do but go with her flow, first I got her a glass of wine. 

    We started talking, heard about her car, husband and the new job she was starting.  Asked if she’d had any lunch, got her some salad I’d made and another glass of wine and suggested she get out of her clothes and put on a loose blouse, silk no less.  Made her feel special and sexy while she ate..., I could almost see her mood change.  Meanwhile I just talked, in no hurry just making conversation with a lovely woman in my pajama top.  Told me how she had to shave that day because having pubic hair was making her nuts.  I laughed and told her how I was disappointed to hear that she done the job herself, that I was expecting a great tale of the waxing she had been planning. 

    Only when when she was ready did we even start to shoot polaroids, after I had tied her hands behind her back with my necktie.  A shoot is very much like seduction except on a much more cerebral level.  Even though my model was experienced in bondage situations, never before had she experienced the feel of silk.  For me personally I don’t find the attraction to industrial level of bondage, not handcuffs or chains or even ropes.  They look too painful and demeaning, I like the idea of a shared experience, of the person giving their consent to be tied.    And I love the sensuality of silk, the feel and look of each loop passing smoothly over each wrist.

    Because I need her consent, her active participation to the physical act of being tied, I needed to touch her, to help move her into each position she was relying on me to do the right thing.  Hence the need not to rush her, to make her feel relaxed and comfortable with me and to trust my motives.  And to allow her to feel sexy and protected in relationship to me.  Because we’re friend’s professionally I made sure that she knew that this shoot was going to be about her sexual side more than anything.  Over a series of nice quite lunches I drew her out, share more information than I’m used to and made a nice connection.  So when the time came for the shoot I was calm and relaxed and gave her time.  A lesson for the wise.
    I’m used to shooting commercially and I’ve had a hard time to get into the flow of shooting artistically.  Along with exploring her sexual side I wanted to explore an arty side of myself, to get some motion, a blurring of that picture perfect commercial side I’ve done forever.  I’d thought of this shoot for a couple of month, planned the technical side.  I was using flash on camera to boost my light and placing the model so it wouldn’t show as much.  Then for the shoot I had to let that planning and knowledge drop into the back of my mind and work with the model.  It was too much to remember so I had to trust that my planning had worked and concentrate on the living, breathing person in front of me. 

    That she was nude didn’t escape my notice, neither the fact that she is so lovely.  I really felt blessed in the circumstance of my job, my craft and to have the artistic freedom to just play.  Now that I’ve gotten film back I’ve not been in a hurry to do anything with it.  I have the luxury of playing with my images, of using that same sense of play to try different effects.  Of just letting things settle in my mind and imagination.  I am truly blessed with the model I know and with my skills such as the are to do what I do best, which is to play.     

NEW POST COMING!!!  Finally got film back so check back in a few weeks to see.

Cost Of War

This whole week leading up to Sept. 11, every time something comes on the tube I've switched to the other channel. I can't watch the airplanes crash into the Trade Center towers, I can't stand to watch it come down one more time, or watch as those workers are covered in that killing dust. It seems to me to be an orgy of sadness that is pointless. As a country we have done nothing to curb our addiction to oil. How many lives were wasted on both side, how many trillions of dollars have we spent, how many freedoms have we given up in the name of terror. I've got to shake my head at our collective foolishness that has lead us down this path. Take a look at this and just think for yourselves what this war has cost us. Cost of war.

Oops

Mean to post this one, done this spring. With my friend Vada who trusts my ideas and shares her's as well. Like the peaceful nature of this one. Thanks

Grass

Hey Dr. L. good hearing from you. September is not quite as full of doctor visits as I thought. I find that getting older is not at all for sissy. It involves a lot of plain old drudge work, seeing doctors, getting test... Couple of things I like are the medical students who do my work-ups. There all very serious and business like, very likeable and so young. Then there’s the grass.... I’m staying on the right side of it! Have a good day all.

Doctor Visits

As you may understand this month and the next one are going to be filled with doctor visits. When I get the chance to catch up I will. In meantime enjoy this photo.

The Eye

Well I apologize once again reality has tunned this blog to health issues.

Recently I was mowing the yard at a friend’s house, being a cloudy day I didn’t wear my sunglasses, I did not wear my safety glasses either. As fate would have it a small piece of wood hit my eye, but no harm was done so I press on. The next morning I noticed that it took longer for my eye to wake up and get with the program. I put some drops in and really thought no more about it, like most men I put it out of my mind. A few day later again my eye was having trouble waking up but now I saw a haze around shiny objects. By mid-morning it would clear but I called my doctor and made an appointment.

A week later I saw my doctor, told her what had happened to my eye and wanted to know if I’d done serious damage. After the examination she told me I was right to come in there was something going on with my eye. Then for the next few minutes she let me sit there while she finished her notes. I was on pins and needles waiting for her to give me the bad news. She said that when she looked in my eye I had many tiny hemorrhages in the back of my eye. Still had 20/20 vision but I’d need to be followed by a specialist, made the appointment for the following month and gave my condition a name. Central retinal vein occlusion is one of the leading causes of blindness in older Americans. Not to worry I was told I still had perfect vision with my glasses.

The week before my appointment I had a scare and went in as an emergency patient, thought I saw bright lights and thought I had separated my retina. I hadn’t but I still needed to see the doctor specializing in CRVO, vision still 20/20. I saw her the following Tuesday, was told I was very lucky and we’d take some photos of my eye and go from there, vision still 20/20. Told it wasn’t as bad as she first though, keep taking my eye drops and come back in a month. I was very happy and went home and almost forgot about it till later in the month I was aware my vision was quite as good as it had been. On the next visit my vision was 20/30, I was told the treatment consisted of a shot in the eye. Visions of Clockwork Orange came into my head, all I could think of was this pretty lady coming at me with a needle for MY eye. Told me not to worry, we’d give it another month and see what my eye did.

Next appointment vision down to 20/40, I could no longer see clearly out of my right eye. I knew there was a car on my right side but I could no longer tell you what the license plate was. I couldn’t read with my right eye and focusing a camera you could forget about. Now we talked about the shot in earnest, she told me about a new drug that they’d just approved only drawback that it was $2000. Gulp! my Medicare would cover it, but lately I have a lot of health issues what would happen if I reached the donut hole? I decided I’d ask her the next week when I got the shot, in the meantime I turned to Google and YouTube to see what I was getting myself into. Found lots of literature on the drugs and the procedure, then saw the right way to get the shot and the wrong way. Saw what must have been an intern giving the shot, his hands we shaking so badly his assistant had to steady them. But it gave me a great overview to the procedure and answered a lot of my questions.

The following Tuesday I was ready, my vision was worse I knew and didn’t need to be told it was down to 20/50. Before I could even speak my piece about the cost of the medication she told me she was switching to the tried and true medication. I might need more shots, but the other stuff had too many side effects for her comfort to take the risk. How really nice that we were on the same page, still visions of Clockwork Orange were passing through my head seeing the instruments. After a quick check of my eyes, she prepared and disinfected my eye and gave me the shot. I couldn’t really see her stick the needle in my eye, but I saw her finger on the plunger; down, down, down it went shooting the medicine into my eye. Now I was truly blind in that eye, everything was absorbed into the haze. She cleaned my eye, gave me a prescription for drops and I was on my way.

Thank goodness I had a friend driving me, as a reward I took her to lunch at my favorite India food place. Then pick up my prescription and got home into the air conditioned coolness of my place and took a nap. My eye was driving me crazy, felt like I had eyelashes in there, as the medication to numb it wore off my eye throbbed. At lunch my eye started leaking blood and that got worse till later that afternoon I could almost feel it begin to drip. I squatted down to get something out of the crisper, something came over my eye and I almost called a cab to take me into the hospital. But after a few moments it cleared, I was ever so thankful that I had to go back for a test the next morning.

In the morning my vision began to clear slightly, I could focus with my right eye. Full of hope I went back for my appointment, the tech photographed my eye, showed me what was wrong and what they hoped I’d get. I ask if we could check the pressure in my eye, just for grins she said lets test your vision... almost back to 20/30. I could see the damn eye chart again, could read almost four lines down. I am trying to not get my hopes up too high, giving my eye a chance to rest and repair itself. Neither one is easy for me, went for a walk in the park, it was turtle day, watch as a big one glided over the creek bottom and I felt free of worry for the moment. Because of the drought I could cross the creek without getting wet, climbed the little hill I ran as a boy and explored till it got too hot and I needed to get under the air conditioner. Feel very peaceful now as I write this, I can see better not quite as well as I did before but now I have hope. Its been a really tough couple of months for me. More health issues are coming up, but I feel hopeful now that I can see better. May not last forever, but I have my friends and the people who care about me. I am a lucky man.

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Ghosts

My phone is infested with ghosts, long lost loves of my life calling in the middle of the night. I recognizes her voice at hello, memories came flooding back and even in my half daze sleep I knew it was her. We talked like it was last week when last we spoke, though a decade at least has passed. I can be hard on friends... though I still love them, to think they are making a major mistake. I’d thought I’d rather remember her as she was, entrapped in amber. That not how life is lived fortunately, my friend have vivid lives, dynamic ongoing lives, that what attracted me in the first place. Lives lived on the edge, thinking life might cut short, now the reality of our age and circumstance.

Like seeing yourself reflected in a mirror, this person know me, who I am, where I live no matter the address. She knows about me, the young me, the growing up me, has experienced the low me, the almost beaten me. Know the struggle I have endured, the mistake I have made, known the passion of the young, knows the successes and my failure, she being one I’ve regretted. I didn’t support her idea of marriage, going on instincts I decided I knew better than her in matters of love. No matter how it may have turned out I was wrong, I’ve regretted my mistake ever since. As I grow older I can see where I have failed my friends... now almost too late I am trying to make amends where I can, it’s my loss where I can’t.

Like a bolt out of the blue we reconnected, found her on one of those popular website’s, and made contact. But nothing beats hearing her voice, so alive, so full of memories, I hated having to catch up, tell her all the things we now share... how I now understand the losses she suffered and know the effects of life altering changes one endures. With a much greater empathy I know what she suffered, that knowledge gave me the strength to carry on while I lay paralyze in a hospital bed.

I knew her voice at hello, the half amused warm melodious tones, the compassion and love her voice held after all these years. I am truly blessed in life, to those people who I have chosen to be my friends so many years ago... even though I didn’t keep my end of the bargain. I love you all and I am truly sorry for my mistake in judgement, I know better now. Life doesn’t often give you many chances at do overs, I’m so happy to make amends where I can. Still I remember her voice.

Walking the Mall

Well I’ve finally fallen into the abyss, I’ve begun walking in the local mall... no dogs, no heat, no rain... no fun. Soon I’ll be nodding hello’s to other oldsters who walk the mall with me. The thing that strike me is how empty of business it is. Store after store, acre upon acre of failed business and no one to take up the slack.

I remember this mall from my childhood, remember riding there on my bike wide eyed at the man in the rocket suit and the carnival rides. My friend Roy who insisted that I was chicken for not riding with him, green and not with envy was he. Later I remember standing in line for Rolling Stones tickets in my teenage years. I remember the name change rolled out with great fan-fair when I was hired as a photographer documenting the affair. Now it’s showing its age as am I. The stores one by one have failed, its only a shadow of its former glory, one wonders how long they can afford the upkeep.

I feel a certain kinship with this mall, stores now standing almost empty as one by one my systems start that long slide into failure. In the grander scheme of things I’m a young sixty-three, I have my health for the most part, I have a job that I enjoy. But the same drive that told me in my mid-fifties to start looking and actually reading the signs that I wouldn’t be able to do the physical part of the job were showing. So now I’m in a better position that I was six years ago, although my business has failed with the new economy, I have some skills that I can use to my advantage. Unlike the mall that is just waiting for a buyer to tear it down and use the land to make stand alone businesses. I’m learning to transition into new more prosperous realms, I am developing new skills to keep active while not letting the old skill go fallow.

In this brave new world of ours where other sixty-something’s are dropping like flies, where even fifty-year olds are having a hard time coping I’m still working. Not at the money I was making, not at the level that I was used to, but I’m getting out there, meeting new people and doing my part to keep alive. I’m working with friends, marketing a product I am proud of for clients I’m proud to be associated with.

My vision for the future looks good, 20/20 or there about’s, and on a personal level my vision does seem to be as bad as first figured. Don’t mind telling you I was scared, but there’s reason for optimism. I keep seeing those little black spots (floaters), now I’m glad to say that sometime are birds flying high up. Sometime there just spot in my hardwood floors, sometime they turn out to have legs and are bugs! Going to keep eating those carrots while keeping busy, maybe they were right about masturbation, you will go blind, and fifty-three years later I seem to, least I didn’t get hairy palms! So all in all not a bad forecast! Now after ten years if we could only bring our troops home and give them a rest they so badly need!

P.S. I’m taking GenTeal eye drops, they’re a gel formula my eye doctor recommended. Very good drops.