While I recovered and took my therapy my friend Lorraine very graciously came to take care of me. She was a new driver and had gotten her license only the day before she flew in. She not only did the driving she cooked and saw to my needs and care. She monitored my Blood Pressure and she had to watch me while I showered so I didn’t slip and fall. I am very grateful to her for her help and care. I truly was unable to do anything for myself and I don’t know how I could have ever survived without her. I became very dependent on her advice and council in this time. I had developed a real fear of change and became very dependent on my daily routine.
I had three week to fill before I could start therapy at all, the Christmas and New Years holiday had to be survived first. That first day I was out I felt a need to get some things done and Lorri agreed though it was against her better judgement. Three things all told and I could sit in the car for most of them but they exhausted me. I’ve never been so tired in my life even after a long ago case of pneumonia hadn’t exhausted me that bad. Some days we’d walk to the corner store or to the coffee shop so I have time to rest before starting home. Mostly we watched a lot of movies and I noticed a pattern with me. Movies like Robert Redford’s "Bagger Vance" I couldn’t watch without tearing up. First from the sappy nature of the film and then because I was being manipulated. I really resented that and it brought back feelings better left alone. I also found I couldn’t follow English movies or Scottish accents particularly were uncomprehensible to me; and following a complicated story line was way beyond me.
I was on a emotional roller-coaster with upswings and downward plunges that could be breathtaking. I’d have feeling of unworthiness and deep despair and then periods where everything was fine and things were looking up. I tried to cope as best as I could and even talked with my doctor but nothing helped. As time progressed Lorri and I went for longer walks but I was having trouble keeping up. My leg and hips seemed out of kilter, the pain in my joints got worse and worse but we still walked. I realized with a growing despair that I couldn’t work this way and I was in a quandary over what I was to do.
Money was tight and even though Lorri told me not to worry I couldn’t help but worry. Then to make matters worse my bank account seemed to be getting depleted faster and faster and there wasn’t anything I could do about it in my condition. I couldn’t think straight and couldn’t concentrate on my problems for long so I just drifted in place. That was the worst feeling in the world to just mentally drift and to not really be able to care. I knew that in time I’d take care of it but I couldn’t even prioritize it into my life right now. Everything that I knew about my life was crashing down around my ears and I knew it but there was nothing to be done. Like a train crash you see happening in slow motion but somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it’s real time.
After I was well into therapy Lorri started talking about returning home and that send me into a panic. I wasn’t ready to let go of the lifeline she was providing and beyond that I didn’t want her visit to be all about my stroke. I asked for bit more time and told her I wanted to try driving firsts and then we could take some trips. We ended up going to Galveston and had a lovely time of it there. It’s about a five hour trip from where I live and we took back roads so there wasn’t as much traffic and I could go slow. But the last two hours of the trip were in pre-rush hour traffic and I was frazzled by the time we got to our place and then the elevator wasn’t working. But we had a great visit away from home and away from all of my problems and stresses. Then it was getting time for Lorri to go and for me to face the realities of my life alone.
I had three week to fill before I could start therapy at all, the Christmas and New Years holiday had to be survived first. That first day I was out I felt a need to get some things done and Lorri agreed though it was against her better judgement. Three things all told and I could sit in the car for most of them but they exhausted me. I’ve never been so tired in my life even after a long ago case of pneumonia hadn’t exhausted me that bad. Some days we’d walk to the corner store or to the coffee shop so I have time to rest before starting home. Mostly we watched a lot of movies and I noticed a pattern with me. Movies like Robert Redford’s "Bagger Vance" I couldn’t watch without tearing up. First from the sappy nature of the film and then because I was being manipulated. I really resented that and it brought back feelings better left alone. I also found I couldn’t follow English movies or Scottish accents particularly were uncomprehensible to me; and following a complicated story line was way beyond me.
I was on a emotional roller-coaster with upswings and downward plunges that could be breathtaking. I’d have feeling of unworthiness and deep despair and then periods where everything was fine and things were looking up. I tried to cope as best as I could and even talked with my doctor but nothing helped. As time progressed Lorri and I went for longer walks but I was having trouble keeping up. My leg and hips seemed out of kilter, the pain in my joints got worse and worse but we still walked. I realized with a growing despair that I couldn’t work this way and I was in a quandary over what I was to do.
Money was tight and even though Lorri told me not to worry I couldn’t help but worry. Then to make matters worse my bank account seemed to be getting depleted faster and faster and there wasn’t anything I could do about it in my condition. I couldn’t think straight and couldn’t concentrate on my problems for long so I just drifted in place. That was the worst feeling in the world to just mentally drift and to not really be able to care. I knew that in time I’d take care of it but I couldn’t even prioritize it into my life right now. Everything that I knew about my life was crashing down around my ears and I knew it but there was nothing to be done. Like a train crash you see happening in slow motion but somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it’s real time.
After I was well into therapy Lorri started talking about returning home and that send me into a panic. I wasn’t ready to let go of the lifeline she was providing and beyond that I didn’t want her visit to be all about my stroke. I asked for bit more time and told her I wanted to try driving firsts and then we could take some trips. We ended up going to Galveston and had a lovely time of it there. It’s about a five hour trip from where I live and we took back roads so there wasn’t as much traffic and I could go slow. But the last two hours of the trip were in pre-rush hour traffic and I was frazzled by the time we got to our place and then the elevator wasn’t working. But we had a great visit away from home and away from all of my problems and stresses. Then it was getting time for Lorri to go and for me to face the realities of my life alone.
Part II
3 comments:
You have my sincerest admiration for staying so strong after having gone to hell and back both physically and mentally. Lorraine sounds a wonderful friend and one in a million!
You have to do what you have to do to stay alive. Lorri is a good friend since I was in my early twenty. She lost her husband a few years ago to a bleeding stroke so she had some knowledge. Besides she was a Cardio Intensive nurse when we met so I was glad for her help.
You say you had to face the realities of your life alone. I am sure Lorraine helped you summon the grit to do it.
In the end of all, we are left with just ourselves. It's good to completely trust that person.
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