Sometimes I just smash into a brick-wall with my limitations, I’m just stopped cold with an overload of information. Like with my medical billing information, I’ve been trying to decided what plan is best for me in my circumstances. Might as well throw a dart as to decide and today it’s too late to figure it out. That’s the frustrating thing about being mentally challenge, there’s no one to help you figure out your way through the maze of rules. You’re left to fend for yourself and make the best decision you can and if you screw-up, well tough.
You wouldn’t believe the strange machinations I have to go through to write this blog. Spelling, thank god for spell check but how do you get it to work when you can’t spell in the first place or think of the word you want. So I look for a word that similar in meaning and try thesaurus and hopefully find the word I wanted in the first place. Next I have my trust Doubleday Dictionary but there are so many words I get confused about spelling and which word I wanted to use in the first place. Then if all else fails I use a different word than I wanted and hope I’ll think of the word I wanted in the first place. But good luck with that, I’ve been trying to think up the name of a singer for weeks now and I remember once and promptly forgot.
I get frustrated by my inability to choose, whether it’s a direction in life or in medical care. The list goes on and on, what’s more frustrating is to not be able to remember whether I did it better in the past or I care more now. I know for certain that I can’t talk or laugh or sing like I did in the past. I never was a great singer but I loved to sing along with my favorites and was once told I had a lovely voice. These are things I can put my finger on because there physical and I no longer have that ability. But for tasks that are more nebulous, that are not a physical manifestation I have no answers. I can see a disability in my hand as I type, I can also feel a disability in my mind as I strive to find words or thought or that damn singer name. Is it the product of an older mind or one that is partially disabled. Am I condemned to struggle with this disability or is it one that will clear in time or is time no longer my friend? Where or to whom do I turn for help or guidance with my questions? No one seems to have the answers I need or want answered.
So I turn to my writing to find some answers, to seek some relief from the questions I have. Maybe my blog will bring me the assistance I’m seeking, maybe some kindred souls will help me out of the fog. To be sure I have found friends, people who have come close to my heart and mind. As scary as this forum is I have found friends who are compassionate and warm and loving. In finding out about their struggles I find some answers coming along with more questions. In putting my mind out there, in putting me out there I’m taking a risk that some unfriendly mind will answer, that’s a risk that I’m will to chance. But I’m finding the rewards well worth the risk.
On a personal note I have to thank Lin and Christian for being so supportive and helpful in my continuing quest to find myself. I couldn’t have asked for better friends or more help than I’ve gotten from these two, thank you both.
You wouldn’t believe the strange machinations I have to go through to write this blog. Spelling, thank god for spell check but how do you get it to work when you can’t spell in the first place or think of the word you want. So I look for a word that similar in meaning and try thesaurus and hopefully find the word I wanted in the first place. Next I have my trust Doubleday Dictionary but there are so many words I get confused about spelling and which word I wanted to use in the first place. Then if all else fails I use a different word than I wanted and hope I’ll think of the word I wanted in the first place. But good luck with that, I’ve been trying to think up the name of a singer for weeks now and I remember once and promptly forgot.
I get frustrated by my inability to choose, whether it’s a direction in life or in medical care. The list goes on and on, what’s more frustrating is to not be able to remember whether I did it better in the past or I care more now. I know for certain that I can’t talk or laugh or sing like I did in the past. I never was a great singer but I loved to sing along with my favorites and was once told I had a lovely voice. These are things I can put my finger on because there physical and I no longer have that ability. But for tasks that are more nebulous, that are not a physical manifestation I have no answers. I can see a disability in my hand as I type, I can also feel a disability in my mind as I strive to find words or thought or that damn singer name. Is it the product of an older mind or one that is partially disabled. Am I condemned to struggle with this disability or is it one that will clear in time or is time no longer my friend? Where or to whom do I turn for help or guidance with my questions? No one seems to have the answers I need or want answered.
So I turn to my writing to find some answers, to seek some relief from the questions I have. Maybe my blog will bring me the assistance I’m seeking, maybe some kindred souls will help me out of the fog. To be sure I have found friends, people who have come close to my heart and mind. As scary as this forum is I have found friends who are compassionate and warm and loving. In finding out about their struggles I find some answers coming along with more questions. In putting my mind out there, in putting me out there I’m taking a risk that some unfriendly mind will answer, that’s a risk that I’m will to chance. But I’m finding the rewards well worth the risk.
On a personal note I have to thank Lin and Christian for being so supportive and helpful in my continuing quest to find myself. I couldn’t have asked for better friends or more help than I’ve gotten from these two, thank you both.
7 comments:
If you need any help, you know I'm there for you, right? I'm happy to provide advice if I can, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to rant at when you're frustrated.
I have days like you describe too. I have days when my hand hurts too much to type, and like you, I'd love to sing again...heck I'd just love to be able to swallow properly! It's a real ruddy pain when these machines which are our bodies break. The mind feels as passionately and deeply as it ever does, but trying to get the machine to work properly...ah, that's an art form in itself.
Regarding your brain fog...I get days like that too. Sometimes I just go blank, or I forget how to string a sentence together. I'm terrible with names, and like you I rely heavily on the Thesaurus.
One thing I've found is that blogging really keeps my brain sharp. Thinking about what I have to write forces my brain to re-wire itself over time...the end result might not be brilliant, and it might require endless re-writes until my post reads like a normal person's (the first drafts are usually total nonsense) but each post is like a work-out for my brain. I'm convinced it helps to heal the physical damage.
So I guess my message is...keep going! Your posts are beautifully writen, they are very eloquent, highly educated, and they have that "writer's flow" (which I'm sure isn't the technical writing term, but you know what I mean.)
And if you need any help regarding making choices, I'm only an email away. Even if I'm not an expert in the questions you need answered, often a different point of view helps.
Hugs, and a Happy New Year to you Michael.
"I'm happy to provide advice if I can, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to rant at when you're frustrated."
Ditto what Lin said, except please don't ask me for advice on medical plans. When my husband was in the nursing home and Medicare changed so he needed a private supplement, I was not mentally challenged, I attended a workshop to have it all explained to me, and I still screwed it up and got the wrong plan!
I think it's wonderful that you can come to us through the fog and tell us what your life is like. Do you realize what an achievement that is?
Hugs to you, Michael. You can cry on my shoulder or rant at me any time (just no medical plan info, please! It's mind boggling stuff, maybe designed NOT to be understood on purpose). I call it frustratese. And that's not in the Thesaurus. I made it up.
It’s hell to figure out what Medicare is all about and you’re right, it’s been designed that way. Even AARP isn’t a help unless you want to buy something then they have all the answers. Thank for the offers of help, that’s the thing I’ve found through writing my blog, good friends. That’s what I learned very quickly after my stroke is the friends who count don’t abandon you. Thank you both for caring.
We are so close... When I read you I read me. This daily frustation is so difficult to live. No way to hide it.
I've no answers. But these last days, when I'm done, lied on the floor, unable to stand up, thinking about what I did and I can't anymore, I just tell to myself : it's like that, it's my life, and I have something to learn. It's my new way for a reason I don't know but certainly a good reason.
I learn to accept, and to laugh about myself, when I fall, when I forget.
I know that something good is always hidden in the worst.
And I pray... I ask for help every day, thanking I don't know who for what I still have. I just focus on what I can make with.
And I keep blogging... Art is my reason to live, so I dive deep inside, day and night. I've found my heaven on earth, even without my legs, even when my brain is turning myself upside down.
Lin is right : keep going on, it's a wonderful medicine. And you write very well.
That's it my dear Michael. I'm there. You know it.
To Michael, Lin and Chris.
You three are such an inspiration and should be a wake up call to those of us that think our everyday troubles of life are such burdens.
D.L. Wood
I read your mail Michael ! Yes it's hard but : yes we can !!! Keep strong.
Thanks a lot DL Wood... You're great !
In the blink of a eye your life can change. Change can be good or it can be bad but the change is there. Thank you D.L.
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