Me

Let me say from the outset that I am not as svelte as my friend Dave and you’ll never see me nude on my blog but I do have more hair. I recently update my photo on my blog to represent the person I am today and the results are kind of shocking. I have a lot of grey hair and my salt and pepper beard has gone mostly to salt. This is the person that people see when they look at me, when they hold doors for me or talk in elder-speak when I go to Starbucks. Were did he come from this new me that has taken over my body.
I don’t see myself this way when I look in the mirror in the morning. I mean I see him but my mind is much kinder when he registers. Of course I see the baggy eyes and the character line, the beard looks familiar but is that really who I’ve become. I still see myself as robust and full of life and lust, well OK I know that’s not realistic but I think about it. I notice a lot of young women and older one’s smile at me and I finally figured out that’s it’s because I have reached that safe age. I no longer represent a theat to them and their safety. One of my models was over and decided to show me how she and her boyfriend work out together. I realized how physically strong this young woman was. Made me think back a few years ago when I was in to ballooning and I was running out into a field with a young woman and I was pleased she was keeping up with me. Then she very smoothly pulled ahead of me to get to the basket effortlessly and I remember being surprised.
Looking at the photos yesterday I have a new appreciation for turning sixty and my limitations. I have a certain sense of style in dress and carry myself well but now it in a different mode. It’s more an elder statesman, a representative of the older person’s type of role. I remember years ago being at a party among friends I’d known for years. We men were gathered to ourselves in a group chatting amicable. I suddenly perceived our group as bull elephants gather together in a herd with the young bulls prowling at the edges. Maybe it was the smoke, they say it will get in your eyes. The girlfriend of a young man I’d known since he was a child came up to talk with me and someone snapped a photo. Take another one as I had my arm around this young lady. She relaxed against me totally trusting and secure in my honor as a older man. Damn I miss not being a threat anymore.

i saw a girl today
one i’d met
or only seen
some years ago
youth came
flooding back
like memories
in an old man’s mind

i hadn’t realized
how many years
i’d lived
and how old
i’d grown
in oh so
short
a time




for elaine b.
and me
14 december 1973 / 2009