Failure

After getting my life back in order somewhat I felt like such a failure in life. It was part of the stroke I know now but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I’m going to go slow and easy on this post because I haven’t quite worked it out yet so bear with me. I am a competitive personality type, I hate for people to be driving ahead of me and I hate standing in lines. I’m not so bad that I keep switching lines or lanes but I do watch to see who wins. When it comes to work I am there with the best but I do know my role in the shoot. When I assisted I often had people under me but I was very sharing about my knowledge and the way things were done. I would let people fail when it wasn’t important but a good opportunity for them to learn. I’m a big proponent of the teaching moment as the only way we learn.


So when I had my stroke it was one grand teaching moment after another, it was madding to me as a person. At first I could only concentrate on the things I’d lost, that took up pretty much the first year. I was devastated by not being able to think, write and have limited function of my limbs. I was afraid of everything around me. Suddenly my life as I knew it was cut off from me and I was rudderless. I lost friends and acquaintances as though I had some major disease or was terminally ill. My circle of friends suddenly grew smaller and though it was traumatic to me it was really for the best. I just couldn’t cope with all those people and personality types. But unfortunately I lost my business contact as well and that proved to be a bigger problem for me and my personal economy. When your business contacts dry up your business does too.

Dealing with people is the hardest thing I must learn to do, I’ve lost that ability of easy communication. I no longer have that ability for the rapid back and forth of ideas, I’m left with a mental sort of stutter. I can process the information that I’m getting but not as fast, certainly not fast enough to keep up my end of the conversation. It is most pronounced when I feel under pressure to perform. We all perform in some sense or another all the time when you consider it. Even sitting and chatting with a business friend over coffee. No one seems to notice but me and I’m acutely aware of my problem. I tend to let the other person carry the conversation, I can keep up sort of but I get frustrated to be so slow. There’s a time lag in my head that keeps me off balanced or just a second too slow. Writing is not as hard because I can think at my own pace and no one is looking over my shoulder.

So now the hard part of the equation, how do I make my money now? I had a basic game plan for my life and I was busy living it. Then everything and I mean everything stopped for two years while I had to regroup. In the meantime life and technology have passed me by and I’m left further behind than I was to start. It’s easy to see life as a failure, my share of life in the pasted tense, my productive years behind me. But I can’t afford to survey my life in such negative terms for my own state of mind or health. I need to view life as a continuum, as evolving to something better and newer despite my afflictions. I need to see my life as having meaning and value. That the things I have done since my recovery as a on going commitment to the continuation of life. I need to remember that my goals are only postponed not ended, that I have to push even harder to make them a reality.


I am using this format to help me learn and grow in my technical knowledge. Though this blog I’m hoping to introduce my art and my mind to people and to get validation. In the six months I have been writing I’ve met some fabulous people who’d I’d have never met any other way. Slowly people are getting to know me and value me and I’m so pleased. I watch as my readers grow and the time that they are spending reading grows. One could not hope for a greater beginning.