Awakening’s

At a stroke
life changed for me.
Gone,
from me was my confidence
my self-reliant nature...,
my life
and in it’s place
questions.
Life began anew
life changed beyond comprehension
though I comprehended only the
arrogance of the un-infirmed
Learning life’s lesson once again
learning to walk
to eat and feed myself
to brush teeth and
learning to wipe myself...
Learning life’s lessons again
who would I be
what would I be
would I like the new me.

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I wrote these words long months into my recovery when Lorraine and I had gone to the coast for a holiday. I didn’t want her trip to be all about my stroke, she remember a strong and independent fellow and it’s was important that she didn’t remember me sick. I admit it was unimportant to her but it meant everything to me. I was still lost in myself trapped in the aftermath of the stroke that had just about ended my life. I was struggling to find myself and trying to figure out who I’d be when I fully recovered, if I fully recovered.
I feel like that question has been answered for me at last, I rather like the new and improved me. The me who’s more relaxed and not quite in as much of a hurry as I once was. The me who has a tolerance set higher than it use to be and is no longer quick to anger or find fault. I’ve grow since my stroke and find a new peace with life and my mortality. Yes there are things I’d change, horizons I’ll no longer strive for, barriers I’ll no longer challenge. I guess in way I’ve passed the torch to a new generation as I chart a new direction for my life and my passions. It’s hard to take that step as much as it seems inevitable, a step many of us face some with more grace than others.
I refuse to act my age however, I’ll keep being my youthful playful self though others may not readily see that side of me. I’ll keep my love of life and my love for women intact and operational. I’ll still capture the beauty and special grace of my subjects and attempt to show their humanity. I "will not go gentle into that good night".
Dylan Thomas