Walking the Mall

Well I’ve finally fallen into the abyss, I’ve begun walking in the local mall... no dogs, no heat, no rain... no fun. Soon I’ll be nodding hello’s to other oldsters who walk the mall with me. The thing that strike me is how empty of business it is. Store after store, acre upon acre of failed business and no one to take up the slack.

I remember this mall from my childhood, remember riding there on my bike wide eyed at the man in the rocket suit and the carnival rides. My friend Roy who insisted that I was chicken for not riding with him, green and not with envy was he. Later I remember standing in line for Rolling Stones tickets in my teenage years. I remember the name change rolled out with great fan-fair when I was hired as a photographer documenting the affair. Now it’s showing its age as am I. The stores one by one have failed, its only a shadow of its former glory, one wonders how long they can afford the upkeep.

I feel a certain kinship with this mall, stores now standing almost empty as one by one my systems start that long slide into failure. In the grander scheme of things I’m a young sixty-three, I have my health for the most part, I have a job that I enjoy. But the same drive that told me in my mid-fifties to start looking and actually reading the signs that I wouldn’t be able to do the physical part of the job were showing. So now I’m in a better position that I was six years ago, although my business has failed with the new economy, I have some skills that I can use to my advantage. Unlike the mall that is just waiting for a buyer to tear it down and use the land to make stand alone businesses. I’m learning to transition into new more prosperous realms, I am developing new skills to keep active while not letting the old skill go fallow.

In this brave new world of ours where other sixty-something’s are dropping like flies, where even fifty-year olds are having a hard time coping I’m still working. Not at the money I was making, not at the level that I was used to, but I’m getting out there, meeting new people and doing my part to keep alive. I’m working with friends, marketing a product I am proud of for clients I’m proud to be associated with.

My vision for the future looks good, 20/20 or there about’s, and on a personal level my vision does seem to be as bad as first figured. Don’t mind telling you I was scared, but there’s reason for optimism. I keep seeing those little black spots (floaters), now I’m glad to say that sometime are birds flying high up. Sometime there just spot in my hardwood floors, sometime they turn out to have legs and are bugs! Going to keep eating those carrots while keeping busy, maybe they were right about masturbation, you will go blind, and fifty-three years later I seem to, least I didn’t get hairy palms! So all in all not a bad forecast! Now after ten years if we could only bring our troops home and give them a rest they so badly need!

P.S. I’m taking GenTeal eye drops, they’re a gel formula my eye doctor recommended. Very good drops.

The Littlle Deaths

My thanks to my friend Carla Johnson for her post on “La Petite Mort”, the Little Deaths as an orgasm is known is a subject long though to not be mentioned in polite company. I leave the final word to my friend, I want to talk about my photographic experience with the orgasm as seen above. I met this young lady at a modeling show I attended. She was very green and needed someone to invest the time with her and show her the ropes. Long story short we did at least six or seven shoots before she was comfortable enough with herself and me before we could shoot so intimately. When we started she was very nervous about what would happen. I took her through her first mini-orgasm, then she got more relaxed, I could see the tension go out of her body. Remember I shoot film and still had a third of a roll left when she told me to get ready. Whoa, whoa I told her to change your rhythm, let me finish this roll and then you can come. At this point I felt like I was a part of her orgasm, I was asking her to draw it out so I could get the shots I wanted. I’m not going to say I hurried, but I knew she was ready to get some release. I ask her to get comfortable, to change position slightly and to feel it building. Then I reloaded my camera, I said OK kiddo go for it. I could almost hear her thinking I wonder what he’s getting, then the pre-orgasm started and she was gone. I got close ups of her face, her body, all the important parts. I dragged the shutter, I was trying to get the beauty of the moment, but without the graphic details. I want to make it clear that she is a nice girl, not someone who masturbates for just anyone. After her release I got some nice shots of her coming down from the high of it. For minutes after that she’d shudder, those post-orgasm shudders. In a strange way I think that she was please that she’d be able to climax, so too there was a certain pleasure in getting off with someone watching. I’m really proud of the shots I got and the trust that grew out of that experience. I’ve marveled at the capacity that women have for wave after wave of pleasure and the small role I may play.

Wondrous Creatures

I was thinking the other day about the wondrous creatures I’ve know over the course of my life. From the neighborhood little girls I played with to my first love in grade school, to the teacher I was head over heels with; big or tall I’ve loved them all. When I was beginning my photographic career I combine it with my love of women and my respect for them. Never one to just look for beauty I found the most interesting who’s personality had a special shine. If they happened to be beautiful too I consider it a bonus and a nice exterior I was doubly blessed . After all even beautiful girl need love too and who better than me.

As I matured I found I was welcomed to the world of women and found myself being able to learn from them. That didn’t prepare me to deal with them any better that the next man but it at least gave me a chance to try to understand them better. The women in my life have taught me a lot about themselves and about the ways they see the world. They’re complicated and maddening, we desire them and hate them, sometimes in equal measure. But above these things we love and covet them and we truly care for them in all there complexities. Remember back to the last argument you got into with the one you love and you’ll know what I mean.

I once got into a disagreement with one I loved (well, more than once) over something I can’t remember and she turned and walked away. Just shut me out, I was so infuriated that I too just turned and walked away in anger and confusion. I spent the afternoon at a friends house that I had the keys for. Later that night she called and apologize and she said she didn’t know why she’d reacted that way. It was only when she saw me walking away in anger that it dawned on her. Mind you I should have gone after her and that didn’t absolved me for that but she understood why I had reacted to her that way. She was so calm about things and forgave me, I was confused and put off guard I didn’t know how to react. That I think is a part of their defense, do the unexpected and keep you off balance. Effective strategy and one I learned to adapt for my own uses.

She was my first relationship as a mature male and it was a great learning experience for the both of us. We went on trips together and were together most night but we had our own separate places for those nights we wanted some peace and quiet. She was a lot younger than me and needed time and space to experience life and to grow into the woman she was meant to become. I was all too happy to share lives together and apart, we both separated for a year and went our own ways but still we kept in touch. Then we both came back to the town we lived and were together again, for a few years we even had a exclusive relationship. Time is said heals old wounds and I guess that’s true to some extent. But we both got itchy feet and I came back to Texas and though we saw each other from time to time it wasn’t mean to be. We both got caught up in our lives and our dreams so we went our separate lives. Pity, I sometimes wonder if I had stayed what kind of life would I have now. Surely much different but better..., I don’t know.

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The ever lovely Vada

As I said my stroke was Ischemic and though it could have been worse it was bad enough. As I started to get better I tried to get used to the swing of the new realities of my life. I’ve been an event photographer for most of my adult life capturing ex-Presidents, Secretary’s of State and of course Congressmen and Mayors. There was a fund-raiser for the Mayor that I was donating my time and talents to. I expected the ususal event except this one was at a private home and I though it would give me a chance to experiment and see how my body reacted to the stresses and strains. This was about two months into my recovery and I was anxious to prove to myself that I could do what I always had done and to show myself I could rise to the occasion. I was barley off my cane at the time and still weak as could be and I figured I was good for an hour then I’d slip out and return home and rest. Well it was even harder than I figured and the event wasn’t at all what I had envisioned but I was stuck. I should have know better the moment I arrived that I was in over my head and just quietly turn back and gone home. No one was there from the association I belonged to who could help me I was on my own. It was a much bigger deal than I had figured, about 200 well heeled supporter were there including many that I knew. There was the meet and greet, handshake from well wisher who wanted to be seen and contribute, then of course the speeches. I sat and rested when I could but I needed to be on my feet much longer than I figured and when I needed to reload that was a pain I hadn’t counted on. I need to squat down to get at my bag to get the film, luckily I had put my bag under the piano so I had something solid to lift myself back up. Then I had 36 exposures to get though. I was really shaky on my pins going back down the steps and knew beyond a doubt that I wasn’t really ready for my life yet but in time.